Mutant Manifesto

In 2010, Weekly Pro-Wrestling, the top Professional Wrestling publication in Japan, printed a “Joshi Manifesto” penned by Kana. Her blunt but substantive criticism of the Joshi Puroresu scene earned her scorn from many, but eventually proved to be a turning point in her career and one of the most notable moments in recent Joshi history. It is in that tradition that we offer this piece. We always give wrestlers the chance to speak their minds in our candid interviews, but we were surprised when we were contacted by a fighter who felt the need to deliver something more. A message. A warning. A manifesto.

Editor’s Note: The views expressed here by Kellie Skater do not necessarily reflect the views of Dirty Dirty Sheets or its staff. Photos by Greg.

I decided it was time that “The Rate Tank” Kellie Skater sets down some simple rules for all to follow. This is a necessity, as way too many people disrespect The Rate Tank, and mutantkind in general, for my liking.

Rule 1: Thou shalt not support the ideals of the Mutant Registration Act. We are Homo Superior and if we choose to be anonymous that’s our decision. We shall not become pawns for humankind. And registration leads to genocide. That’s just not cool. Every time I hear a fan yell, “Die Mutie,” it just proves the fact that Magneto was right[1. Kellie Skater is apparently unaware that Magneto has attempted genocide on multiple occasions. Memory loss is one of the side effects of roo-roid abuse.].

Rule 2: Thou shalt not accuse The Rate Tank of being on Roo-Roids or any other illegal substances. This includes chanting ‘Roo-Roids’, ‘steroids’, and ‘HGH’ during my matches. Or bringing signs stating this! It’s a nasty rumour started by Allison Danger! All allegations. I am a pure, albeit amazing physical specimen. In fact you might say I am the Ultimate Total Package.

Rule 3: Thou shalt not cheat if you accept an Open Challenge I set. Clearly way too many unscrupulous characters accept these challenges and cheat me!

Rule 4: Thou shalt always follow orders from the IG. The International Gangstas[3. Video interview with International Gangsta members Kellie Skater and Mercedes Martinez here.] are going to eventually run the world anyway, you might as well get in quickly and obey us! This may save you an IG arse kicking.

Rule 5: Thou shalt accept #spoonbombing as an international sport. #spoontopia

Rule 6: Thou shalt acknowledge Bacchus Marsh is the awesomest place ever. No question.

Rule 7: Thou shalt NEVER mess with the Pikachu hat. Jacking the hat is unacceptable! You mess with the hat, it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Follow these rules and life for you will be easy as. Disobey and face the consequences.

– Your Colossus of Bacchus Marsh, The Indestructible One

“The Rate Tank” Kellie Skater

To find out more about Kellie Skater follow her on Twitter (@RateTank). Also check out her Amazon wishlist. See the Tank in action below via a great Music Video from our friend Verse.


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