Portia Perez: The Dirty Dirty Sheets Interview

Portia Perez is, without a doubt, one of the very best wrestlers on the planet. She’s won major championships in multiple promotions across the globe and beaten seemingly every top female competitor in the western world. She is also one of the most terrible people in the sport, and makes life hell for both her peers and fans. Dirty Dirty Sheets reluctantly approached Portia in an attempt to find out what about being bad makes her so good in the ring. [DDS Staff Ayzali (@AyzaliWali), Chris (@ChrisC06), Greg (@BigZ38), and Jon (@rollingelbow) also contributed to this interview.]

First question: Why are you such a horrible person?

Sometimes I think it’s because I wasn’t allowed to have video games as a child. Or maybe because most people seem to be about four inches taller than me. Generally, though, I think it’s not really me being a horrible person, but moreso other people being really stupid and me needing to tell them the truth out of the goodness of my heart.

You “tell the truth” a lot in a way that people really don’t like. I’ve heard that some promotions have had to add security to shows because you’re so hated. What have you done that’s made the crowd the angriest?

I always thought trying to kill that gremlin-in-utero would be the worst, but evidently, I was quite wrong. I’m honestly not even sure. I’ve had fans throw coffee on me, push me, hit me with weapons, chant for me to die…..apparently being really awesome is quite the substantial burden. I bet Batman never got this kind of flack from the Gothamites. Fans can suck it.

I have to ask, is there any time you think you ever might have actually gone too far?

No. I’m inclined to think I haven’t gone far enough, because despite my many efforts, I’ve only ever made one person quit the business.

Who was that and how did you do it?

Some dude who was learning how to wrestle. He wouldn’t let anyone shoulder tackle him because he said he was too small, but he still had a good 20 pounds on me. So I had the biggest dude there shoulder tackle me, and then popped right up and was like “What’s your problem bro?” And that was the last time anyone ever saw him.

SHIMMER fans have seen you try to drive both Allison Danger and Serena Deeb from the company, and perhaps life entirely. What is it about them that you hate so much?

Has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe I’m just going alphabetically, beginning with the D’s? Just kidding, although that’s not a bad idea. My primary problem with Allison Danger is her constant need to mock me on commentary, presumably as a result of rampant jealousy of my awesomeness. My newer, secondary problem with Allison Danger is that I just learned that “Doctor Who” is not part of an Abbott & Costello-inspired bit. My problem with Serena Deeb, as mentioned at several SHIMMER events, is that she totally abandoned me like a big jerk.

Speaking of commentary, your first attempt at it was for a big ACW show, then you jumped right to SHIMMER. Did you have to do any preparation for it? Or do you just generally do well whenever you have a chance to insult and ridicule others?

I don’t just do well when I have a chance to insult and ridicule others; I ALWAYS do well. I’ve always studied things like commentary and how people put shows together, so I suppose it’s something I’ve always been preparing for to an extent. I did watch a few matches on the one-hour drive to that ACW show you mentioned, mostly studying Jesse Ventura’s commentary. I was always a big fan of the Heenan/Monsoon commentary team, though, so that was probably a bigger influence on me overall.

In spite everything else, you truly are a student of wrestling. Who were some of your biggest influences early on, and what are some current wrestlers you enjoy watching?

Early on, my biggest influences were Owen Hart, Shawn Michaels, and The British Bulldogs. I spent a lot of time studying Eddie Gilbert and Roddy Piper over the past few years, too. Right now, I just got a bunch of Tracy Smothers footage that I’m working my way through, as well as some of Owen Hart’s stuff from Japan that I really like. I think next I’m going to try to get my hands on the WCCW collection.

Let’s try to keep this positive. When you was first put with Nicole Matthews on Volume 15 as two young Canadian girls, did you have any idea the tag team would become such a success for so long? How have you manage to stick together?

Well, I figured we’d be pretty successful considering how awesome we are. Being a successful tag team is a lot like having a successful marriage; you need to communicate, you need to be willing to compromise, and you should always send flowers after you superkick your partner in the face.

Speaking of, you guys did manage to finally lose the SHIMMER tag team titles after holding them for quite a while. It seemed tag teams were flown from every continent to take you down. Do you feel you were set up for failure? Do you think you deserved a rematch?

I ABSOLUTELY feel we were set up for failure. There were like 73 new teams there that day, and they just threw ’em all at us. You know, those new teams, they knew coming in that we were the champions; they had time to prepare. We didn’t even know who we’d be facing! You would think, that after two years of being prestigious and respectable SHIMMER Tag Team Champions, we would be treated with a little more respect.

Let’s shift gears a bit to ACW, another place you were fairly dominant in for a while winning both the American Joshi title and the 2010 Queen of Queens title. What have been some of your favorite moments there? Who are some of your least favorite people?

“Dominant in for a while”? I’m still dominating the crap out of that place! My favourite moment ever in ACW was winning the 2010 Queen of Queens Tournament. Actually, that was my favourite night of my whole career. The first time I won the ACW Canadian Joshi Title, which was in a 6-woman scramble, was also a great moment. I once threw Rachel Summerlyn down a flight of stairs, which was pretty funny, too. As far as my least favourite people go…Rachel Summerlyn probably tops the list; she’s actually one of the people I hate the most in my whole entire life. Jessica James is another one. Serena Deeb sometimes comes there, too, so that really pisses me off when that happens. There’s this one girl I just crossed paths with for the first time in April, Lillie Mae; I don’t really know her too much yet, but she managed to drive me to bash her face in with a wrench within 10 minutes of meeting her, so I’d say she’ll be on my “I Hate You” list fairly soon.

Of course with ACW, everyone is still talking about the evening gown match. What were your thoughts when you heard about it? How did you feel afterwards…being you lost and got gory bombed into a cake.

Well, when I heard about it, it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal; it was pretty much a given that I was going to win, so meh, I wasn’t too worried about it. Now, I feel very much that I was set up to fail again. I mean, first of all, Sara Del Rey didn’t even have a dress on when she came out. So that shouldn’t have been allowed. And then, we had Rachel Summerlyn and Jessica James being all team-like in a singles match. Also, shouldn’t have been allowed. And THEN, while I may have signed up to wrestle in my spiffy zebra print dress and Miley Cyrus shoes, I did NOT agree to a match where all sorts of weapons were involved. So that definitely should have been a DQ. People can laugh all they want about cake, but those of us with abs as good as mine know that all that sugar can straight up kill you. Plus, I’ve had icing stuck in my ear for like five days at this point, and that just doesn’t seem healthy.

Speaking of health and abs, you’ve gotten in pretty remarkable shape over the past couple of years. What’s your diet/workout regimen like? How does it fit with your love of children’s cereals?

I do weights in the morning and cardio in the afternoon. I also walk my dog at night, because dogs need exercise, too. I’m vegetarian, so most of my protein comes from egg whites, with some Greek yogurt, low-fat cheese, and shakes thrown in. I usually pick two servings of grains, fruits, veggies, etc. per meal. I eat cereal only once per day, immediately post-workout. The sudden sugar rush is said to help your body deliver the nutrients to your muscles post-workout.

What are some things you enjoy besides wrestling and ruining people’s lives? Have a favorite band, movie, book?

I actually do not have a favourite band, as my taste in music depends a lot on my mood. I really love educational TV and books/magazines. My favourite movie is Pulp Fiction. Aside from National Geographic books, which are awesome, I like the Sherlock Holmes collection. Overall, I’d say the main things I like are travelling and working out.

You’ve travelled all over the world thanks to wrestling. What have been your favorite places? What’s a place that you’d like to go to but haven’t had the chance?

I love going places that are totally different from home; I’m really OCD about my schedule and doing everything a certain way, so being out of my comfort zone is something I find very relaxing and enlightening. If I had to pick my three favourite places, I’d say India, Tennessee, and Labrador. I’ve liked a lot of places I’ve been to though. I have a whole list of places I still want to go to. I’m trying to go to the Grand Canyon for my birthday this year. I think the place I want to go the most is probably Greece.

I noticed you didn’t mention Montreal. You have another match coming there soon for Femmes Fatales. Can I assume that it’s not one of your favorite places, and that Mercedes Martinez and Cheerleader Melissa aren’t two of your favorite people? [Editor’s Note: Portia Will be facing Mercedes and Melissa at the next NCW: Femmes Fatales show on June 4th]

I think, living so close to Montreal for my whole life, I’ve developed a pretty serious hatred for that place. Incidentally, I really hate Toronto, too. Femmes Fatales, on the other hand, does put on some pretty nifty shows. Mercedes and Melissa are both on my “I Hate You” list. I should mention at this point, though, that my “I Hate You” list is much longer than my “I Guess I Won’t Kill You, At Least For Now, But You Should Probably Watch Out, Because I Might Just Be Keeping You Around Because I Think I Might Be Able To Use You For Something Down The Road, Although Probably Not, Because You’re Probably Just As Useless As Everyone Else” list.

You and Nicole call yourselves the Canadian Ninjas. Do you find the “you’re no ninja” chants racist? Also, do you have interest in actually wrestling in Japan and demonstrating your ninjitsu there?

I do find the “You’re no ninja,” chants racist. In fact, I find it pretty racist that Americans think they’re entitled to speak to me at all. But besides that, it’s not like anyone chanting those things IS a Ninja, so not only are they being racist against Canadians, but they’re also being racists against Ninjas. And yes, I would very much like to wrestle in Japan.

More and more, people (including yourself) are saying you are the best wrestler in the world. What do you think makes you the best?

I think a big part of it is that so many people resist accepting that I’m the best. It makes me really angry, and motivates me to show them how awesome I am. I think another part of what makes me the best is that I don’t spend my days looking for ways to impress people. My days are spent working towards being the best. A lot of people think that moves and gear and nicknames and all that hullabaloo will make you the best, but they’re wrong. Being the best makes you the best.

What goals are you looking forward to achieving in the future? Whose dreams are you most looking forward to crushing?

Besides the obvious of winning all my matches, my most immediate goal is to win the ACW Queen of Queens 2011 Tournament on June 26th. My second-most immediate goal is to stop working cheap plugs in to interviews. Some of my future goals are to wrestle in Japan, win the SHIMMER Championship, become a trillionaire, cure cancer, and stop people from misusing the words “you’re” and “your”. The people whose dreams I’m most looking forward to crushing include, but are not limited to, Rachel Summerlyn, Serena Deeb, Mercedes Martinez, Cheerleader Melissa, Alexxis Nevaeh, and perhaps even Terry Funk at 2CW on June 5th in Syracuse, NY.

Is there anything else you’d like  to say to your fans, or maybe just wrestling fans general?

Eh, not really.

You can learn more about Portia Perez by visiting her twitter (@pperezninja) or her website (portiaperez.com). Portia may hate you less if you buy some of her merchandise or stuff from her wishlist.

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